“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.”

— Alex Haley

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year’s gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, fifteen i’ the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should drown. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow, —a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

— The Merry Wives of Windsor

One slip, and down the hole we fall It seems to take no time at all A momentary lapse of reason that binds a life for life A small regret, you won’t forget There’ll be no sleep in here tonight

— Pink Floyd, One Slip, A Momentary Lapse of Reason 1987

There are umpteen ways to be ambiguous with numbers and scads of reasons to be vague. Take the following three statements:

* The are 1.4 kilometers in one Sheppey
* We ate a sh\*t ton of bacon for breakfast
* After drinking umpteen bullfights, I vomited on her shoes

Statements like the first example are used when you require accuracy. These are used when the actual measurement is known or important. The second statement is of the form where the actual amount isn’t actually important. The most important part of the statement is that you had bacon. The delicious amount is irrelevant. Finally, sometimes you just don’t know what the heck happened last night. The number is relevant, but unknown. Indefinite numbers like “umpteen” make their appearances here.

So what is an umpteen anyway? An umpty is an indefinite number. Umpty can also be used as slang for a “dash” in Morse code. Umpteen is just a colloquialism of umpty and -teen, as in numbers greater than twelve but less than twenty. Unless you are throwing holy hand grenades at killer rabbits, it generally takes a number greater than twelve to have any humor value. Numbers greater then twenty are tedious and difficult to visualize in our minds.

Next time you refer to a number, think about what you are saying and how accurate you are being. After saying “umpteen” for the bazillionth time, I thought I should probably understand where the word comes from.

It’s pumpkin season! Whether you are stuffing your facehole with pie, finishing the last of the summer’s zucchini, or making delicious Curried Butternut Squash Soup, don’t forget that a pumpkin is a fruit. That’s right, your beloved Fall treats are the giant, orange ovaries of Cucurbita pepo.

The state of Illinois grows 90-95% of the pumpkins in the U.S. so you can stab them with large knives to make scary faces, roast their seeds, and hurl them 5,545.43 feet for a world record. Next time you are in Morton, Illinois sipping on your coffee (also a seed from a fruit, not a bean) waiting for the Central Illinois Banjo Club to blow the Fall in, think about what it really means for something to be a fruit or a vegetable. Do you know the difference?

Fruits are the ovaries that contain the seeds that will help to propagate further generations of these delicious plants. A vegetable can be any part of a plant including the stems, leaves, or even roots. A fruit can be considered a vegetable, but not all vegetables can be considered fruits. You could certainly make arguments about scientific vs. culinary definitions of “fruit” and “vegetable”, especially when considering things like peas, peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes.